saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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