Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
