booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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