Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
