..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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