Only a mothe r could love this liver
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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