how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
