Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
a search helicopter?!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
