I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
