I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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