I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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