I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
