I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
