Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
