I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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