I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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