I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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