i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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