I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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