Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
