I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
