I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
