vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
