I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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