I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He called his prostate his "boner button".
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
