How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
