Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
