Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
