I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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