Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
