Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
