So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
