the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
