ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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