and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
