Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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