Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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