Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
