Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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