Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
