What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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