my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
