sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
