Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
