Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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