I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
