dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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