it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
