Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
thus making me awesome and them whores
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
