Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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