I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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